April 3, 2005
I arrive at the Hastings Street Ballroom and Tangent Gallery for
today's shoot. Two scenes to shoot today: a club scene and a bedroom
scene, which is actually a sex scene. A very tasteful sex scene
(no nudity in the shots), but a sex scene nonetheless. The type
of thing I would be uncomfortable about if it ever fell into the
hands of, oh, say, my mother.
From a professional standpoint, I am also a bit nervous.
I have never filmed a sex scene before. Will I be believable?
I am costumed up and ready to go. I run through my lines. Some of
them make me blush. I apply extra make-up.
I make small talk with an extra who is wearing dark glasses and
a black leather suit. He calls me baby and asks if he will be able
to watch the impending bedroom scene, or if it will be a closed
set. I say that it will be a closed set.
I excuse myself from the conversation with the extra, nonchalantly
make my way to Corianne, the Producer, and whisper-ask her if the
bedroom scene will be filmed on a closed set. I whisper-tell her
that I would prefer that it was. She whisper-answers that it will
be. The extra in the leather suit waves to me from across the
Five cups of coffee later and it is time to shoot the first scene,
the club scene. Close-ups, long shots, shots from below and shots
from above, again and again we shoot the scene, from every angle
imaginable, and every way possible. I am starting to get a bit more
nervous about the forthcoming bedroom scene.
Corianne the Producer has been hit (accidentally) on the head with
a slab of falling particleboard. She has been concussed. She is
a little dizzy, but she assures me that she can still manage her
tasks: organizing dinner for the cast and crew, adding finishing
touches to the set, generally making sure things run smoothly, and
ensuring that the bedroom scene will be filmed on
a closed set. She tells me not to worry. I tell her not to fall
7: 15 pm
All scheduled scenes have been filmed, except for the bedroom scene.
Extras and non-necessary persons have been cleared from the set.
Corianne has posted burly men at all entrances to ensure that the
set remains closed. These burly men have also promised not to peek;
they are trustworthy burly men, members of the band "Helvetica"
from the film soundtrack and old friends of Corianne, who is still
awake and less dizzy. She is my hero.
7: 35 pm
My scene partner Edward and I make small talk while waiting to film
the bedroom scene. I admit that I am nervous, not because I have
any personal inhibitions at all whatsoever, but because I am afraid
that, someday, my mother may see this movie. Edward says to tell
her to fast-forward through this part.
We get to it. Via strategically placed blankets, lighting, and camera
angles, the illusion is created. In actuality, physical contact
is minimal. The whole process is painless, hygienic, fairly respectable,
and (surprise) fun. Wish it happened like this more often in real
life. Three hours later we are finished. I conclude that it is the
best sex I never had.
(Look for further updates on the progress of this
film in these pages.)